


I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You

by VirusError



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: 3+1 fic, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Aromantic Asexual Raphael Santiago, Canon Asexual Character, Consent, Cuddling & Snuggling, Declarations Of Love, Domestic Fluff, Established Relationship, Fluff, I'm Not Sorry For That Tag, M/M, Pablo Neruda's Poetry, QPR/QPP, Raphael Santiago Can't Say "I Love You", Raphael Santiago Lives, Sharing a Bed, There's A Tag For That, Unspecified Sexual Orientation for Simon Lewis, Valentine's Day, Vampire Simon Lewis, and i don't blame him, consent is my kink, fluff with angst undertones, queer platonic relationship, why isn't that a tag
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-13 20:07:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,580
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29034414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VirusError/pseuds/VirusError
Summary: "A penny for your thoughts?""You..." he seriously responded to Simon's question despite the urge to hold out his hand and request a one-cent American coin to mess around with the latter."This… Us I guess," he continued. Simon laid his head back down on his chest, No longer being able to look into entrancing deep brown eyes encased with long fair eyelashes."What about me?" Simon asked softly, genuinely wondering at that moment what was circling the others head of him."Your eyes," he responded."They're beautiful."OrRaphael's attempts to tell Simon how much he means to him...
Relationships: Simon Lewis/Raphael Santiago
Kudos: 9





	I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter Title- "Four" by Sleeping At Last
> 
> Hello, my lovely beautiful/handsome people! Happy Valentines day for your Author who holds great disgust for this holliday (I only like the sappy cheesy romantic making me ball my eyes out movies part of it okay!)
> 
> I hope you enjoy this small little fluffy story that was based on the prompt "A Penny For Your Thoughts" which is a proverb/idiom (yes I'm very nerdy when it comes to the English language and love proverbs) and there is a bit of a hidden meaning of irony and such throughout the story, so I hope you guys get it. (If not I will probably explain it later)
> 
> Also, this was partly inspired by all of Sleeping At Last music because I like to write fanfiction (shadowhunters more specifically) while listening to them and also The Iliad by Homer which I was rereading while writing this. So you will possibly see those elements throughout the story.
> 
> And I've seen the headcannon of Raphael liking Neruda and honestly I love that so much so yes i'm using it. (Funfact I actually was reading a book of his poems the other day)
> 
> This is a one-shot in a series along with others but First I'm trying to finish my main story (RBTR) then I'll come to start in the Shadowhunters chronicles fandom which I've been dying to write for, for the longest time.
> 
> Anyways I'm rambling as always but Enjoy!!!

Simon was laying back against his chest as they were both reading their respective choices of literature. And by literature, he means Simon has the newest edition of something called  _ Lonely Receiver  _ in his hands. While Raphael had a novel titled  _ Maurice  _ that Magnus had told him to read a while back. Though what else did he expect from the books Magnus gave him to read other than a gay love story… that he quite possibly may or may not be enjoying the story of.

It's good literature  _ okay,  _ that's all!

The silence was filled by the ticking of the clock and the occasional rustle of pages as Simon turned a page in his comic book. The almost sticky sound it made as he pushed the finished page to the left with his thumb and forefinger. It reminded him of those same smooth almost plasticy feeling pages you would find in a children's picture book. Or maybe he and Simon have just been babysitting for Magnus and Alec too much.

His right hand held his book while the other arm was trapped behind Simon and left absentmindedly playing with the hem of the boy's jumper. They had been in a different position previously, sitting next to each other on the long 'U' shaped couch with just Simon wrapping his ankle around Raphael's. Then Simon leaned his head over and it somehow had turned into this makeshift cuddle position with his back against the arm of the couch. Despite the shift, neither of them made a noise nor did it disrupt either of their reading.

Though he didn't realise he himself hadn't turned a page in almost ten minutes. Instead of continuing with the story, his eyes read the character's confessions for one another over and over again. To see the three words in between the quotations spoken to each other all within the first 50 pages of the book. 

His eyes flickered over to the black vase of blood-red orchids then back to the ink typed words in front of him. The page felt like it carried an un-understandable weight with those words in front of him. Everything blacked out except those three words that held meaning yet he hadn't managed to say in some way or form.

He ceased to hear the stop of flipping pages or feel the shift of the other vampire. Raphael's fingers had stopped playing with Simon's soft jumper with a ridiculous pun that guaranteed it belonged to the still baby vampire. His eyes no longer flickered back and forth to objects around the room and the pages in front of him. Instead, he stared off, drowning out the ticking of the clock that served as a reminder of time.

"A penny for your thoughts?" 

He blinked off the trance he was almost in, looking down at the boy whose comic book now laid open flat on his lap. Simon's usual fang-filled smile and enthusiastic expressions were gone instead replaced with a warm content look of bliss. His eyes looked tired, it was rather late for both of them having debated reading on the couch in casual clothes or in bed with pyjamas when they saw the time of day. Though they both ditched the idea and step of changing. Simply laying on the red couch, him in his waistcoat and Simon in his skinny jeans. 

He graced a small smile down at Simon. Dropping his book down flat on his lap he turned his full attention to the two chocolate brown eyes looking at him. He was something… someone who had somehow managed to squirm his way into his life and- much like Magnus' glitter which he's heard Alec complain so many times about- he just stayed and never left. It may possibly be terribly hard to get rid of him even if you wanted to. Though… who would want to?

" _ You _ ..." he seriously responded to Simon's question despite the urge to hold out his hand and request a one-cent American coin to mess around with the latter and avoid the subject and thoughts filling his head.

" _ This _ … _ Us...  _ I guess," he continued. Simon laid his head back down on his chest, No longer being able to look into entrancing deep brown eyes encased with long fair eyelashes. 

"What about  _ me?"  _ Simon asked softly, genuinely wondering at that moment what was circling the others head of him.

"Your eyes," he responded. 

"They're beautiful." 

Simon shifted his body up so his head was more on Raphael's shoulder. He bit his tongue to not include ' _ and how you're like glitter' _ . Deeming it to ruin what Simon so often called a "romantic mood" for him to which Raphael never understood.

"And... _ this?" _ Simon turned his body now facing towards him, making the discarded comic book slide slightly off his lap. Simon let his left arm sling over Raphael's right shoulder, laying the side of his head on Raphael so now they both could look at each other without any strain.

"Relaxing… peaceful, indulgent even." He saw a smile pull up on the other's lips. Simon let his eyes close for a second before he blinked them open again.

" _ Us?" _ Simon's voice now almost laced with concern and fear. Yelling so many questions he was leaving left unspoken.  _ Them _ … what about them? He and Simon paired together as a single thing now, them… 

What. About. Them?

"I don't know…," he replied. Simon's eyebrows furrowed ever so slightly while Raphael laid his hand on Simon's hip. The area he had been fumbling with his jumper at.

"Questioning?... reconsidering?" Simon slid his hand down so his palm was now flat on Raphael's chest, picking at lint on his shirt. Raphael raised his eyebrows, alarmed about what the other was thinking and possibly worrying about them.

"What? No, no Simon." He moved his hand from where it was marking he left off in the novel and grabbed Simon's hand off his chest into his grip. This pulled the other's attention directly towards him.

"None of that," He continued. He shook his head slightly, keeping his voice low and soft as he rubbed the other's hand with his thumb for reassurance.

"Sorry." Shifting his body down so he was more at eye level with Simon, he let go of his hand laying it softly back to his chest and cupped his cheek in his hand.

"Why? Don't be." Simon leaned into his hand and lifted his own laying it over Raphael's.

"Doubting you… doubting us," Simon replied. He slipped his fingers over Raphael's, effectively grabbing his hand before flipping their hands to where they were holding each other's enclosed hands close to both of their chest.

"We all have our doubts." He answered back as Simon chuckled lightly, letting his eyelids fall close one again. Raphael felt Simon's body grow slightly heavier on top of his own. He stayed still making sure not to move him if he was asleep and eventually letting his own eyes rest. A minute possibly a couple went by, losing track of how many ticks and tocks he heard from the clock until he heard the other mumble something but not catching it.

"Hm?" He hummed in question letting his eyelids fly back open and look at the other. And once again large copper, honey-filled eyes were staring up at him.

"Uncomfortable then?" Simon repeated. Raphael knew exactly what he meant by how he tensed his body without thinking, creating more distance between the two. He pulled Simon closer to him, tightening his grip where his hand laid on the other boy's hip. An almost inaudible gasp and the thud of his book hitting the floor filled the small gap of silence, as he buried his face in Simon's neck taking in his scent.

"There's your answer, Lewis." Simon's laugh filled the room, feeling him nuzzle his face into Raphael's neck as well.

"Am I making  _ you  _ uncomfortable?" Raphael said it almost like a taunt back to the other. His voice lower than before, being closer to Simon's ear. While he could hear all the small chuckles and cute noises coming from Simon as well.

"Nope, never," Simon said, popping the 'p' in the word.

"Not. At. All. Actually, I quite like your  _ answer _ ." He could hear the giddiness in his voice. The way he was now fidgeting and squirming in his grasp ever so slightly, told him of his excitement that never ceased to stop and let him stay still.

"Good." He responded possibly with a little too much confidence; when it comes to being around Simon sometimes that was never lacking… just a smidge.

"Good!?" Simon pulled back now looking him straight in the face with a surprised but exciting look. That fanged smile was back and on full display, something he could look at all day.

" _ Well _ Santiago, I quite like this side of you." Simon nodded in agreement with himself as his voice went into a playful tone. He lowered his head so their foreheads were together, a bright smile still plastered on his face.

"Well, don't get used to it." Simon let out a faux hurt gasp, pushing Raphael lightly and playfully by his shoulders. In turn, making him smile and chuckle in response to Simon's actions as he held on as to not fall off the couch.

He was glad they weren't flipped the other way, knowing Simon and his notorious reputation for tumbling or falling off things. Not including the times he's heard a thump in the middle of sleeping to find the latter pouting on the floor... Or maybe possibly including those times. Either way, the number was an insane amount with or without a pouting sleepy Simon on the bedroom floor.

They pulled each other back towards one another's embrace similar to their previous position. He felt Simon's hands join at the back of his neck, his pinky and ring finger slipped in the space between his neck and shirt collar. Simon's playful smile faded and it was back to the drowsiness of sleep and his warm mushy feelings to influence his smile.

_ Now _ , was now the right time? Did Simon want to have their commitment in words that mean different things to the both of them?

"So...  _ Us  _ then?" Simon started, eyes were downcasted and he could feel his fidgeting fingers on the back of his neck. 

"Then…" Raphael said in redundancy. He shifted not knowing where to put his hands, feeling slightly awkward with both hands at his sides. He slid the left one around Simon's torso and met his hands together. He pulled Simon's body closer to his filling the small space created for his comfort by Simon.

"Thinking…" Simon's eyes darted up from their downcasted state at his answer now looking into Raphael's eyes. Simon pulled in closer so that the tips of their noses were brushing against one anothers. Something Simon joked about often saying an Eskimo kiss was still considered a kiss for him.

"Are we…okay?" The younger vampire's voice barely above a whisper like he was afraid to ask the question. He loosened his grip on Simon's torso and moved his hands up cupping his face 

"Yeah…" he nodded his head slightly, enough for the other to feel his action. He stroked his thumb over Simon's cheek.

"Were okay." 

"Were okay…" he said it a second time more to himself than to Simon. Despite laying in one another's embrace and how things had turned out, the unfamiliar taste of  _ what _ all this was still laid on his shoulders. 

_ Love _

The confession that laid dormant on his tongue because people only used one meaning of that word. He had heard it exchanged between Magnus and Alec many times to know the weight it carried and its more used meaning.

He felt something for Simon which was less than a desire of lust but more than a pact between two childhood friends. That in-between Platonicness and their relationship held its own ground usually overlooked by many or even untouched. Simon had had more before with previous relationships he had lust and wanting, Desire for intimacy for that other to engage in the act with. Yet they hadn't so much as shared a kiss with each other or gone on a date much less even held hands casually. 

Simon could preferably be in a relationship which had just that and anything and everything a romantic sexual relationship had. But despite his fruitless attempts of how much better Simon could do here, he remained in front of him, both books discarded to the sides and enveloped around each other.

He moved to open his mouth but Simon beat him to it.

"As much as I'm enjoying this right now, the bed sounds very enticing to my body and my sleep schedule." His voice already was settling in on the idea, gaining a raspy texture and lower, slower tone. 

"You mean your body and your  _ non-existent _ sleep schedule." The comment earned a whine from Simon. The younger moved his head nudging the other's nose lightly before putting his head under Raphael's chin.

"Bed. Now. Please…" Simon's voice muffled and small. He chuckled lightly, finally caving in. He moved away letting the other sit up first before following his actions. Comic book and novel were gathered and left with no marker on the end table holding blood-red orchids. 

Simon got off the couch in a matter of seconds tugging Raphael's hand to get up faster like a kid would with their parents. Some words about 'old man' were muttered but he ignored them watching Simon make a beeline for the bed as he followed shortly behind. Taking in how Simon almost lost his balance and fell over as discarded Skinny jeans were tossed on the bedroom floor, trading them for DC-themed sweatpants. While he rids himself of slacks, his waistcoat, and button-up shirt; replacing them for a t-shirt and plain black sweatpants.

Simon quickly jumped under the sheets as soon as he was dressed patting the spot next to him. In other words, telling Raphael to hurry up and get the heck in bed. Raphael caught himself smiling at the gesture and just Simon in all his entirety. 

His stupid themed graphic t-shirts usually accompanied with a short-sleeved button-up that was in fact  _ never _ buttoned up. Even when he tried to dress nice he stuck on a pair of dirt covered, scuffed up tennis shoes. That dopey lovesick fang-filled smile he shined towards him so very often. His nervous rambling that seemed to go on and on most of the time leaving people wondering how he's even able to keep up with his own words running a mile a minute. 

He shook his head, folding his clothes and tossing them in the hamper, grabbing Simons skewed across the bedroom floor clothes in the process as well.

_ What was this boy doing to him? _

This was never supposed to happen. This was beyond anything he thought would ever happen. What he was willing to accept. Him loving someone though not exactly love in its most used definition. Caring for someone deeply that he couldn't even grasp the words to explain it. Though he held a soft spot for the younger vampire that caused feelings to surface, making him question and reconsider only to reaffirm himself at the end of the day.

_ Now _ ... time was too fickle, too dense yet fragile to play and spin on the tip of his finger. He looked back seeing Simon sitting with grey-blue silk sheets tossed across his lap waiting for him. Brown Hair askew in different directions with his lopsided light-up-the-room smile staring at the long white silk curtains that drape the walls and windows ceiling to floor.

"What about you?" He slid his fingers under the chain of his cross, pulling it off over his head and gently laying it down on his bedside table.

"Me, what?" Simon looked at him with creased eyebrows as he moved back the sheets, slipping under them.

"A penny for your thoughts." The edges of Simon's mouth pulled up into a smirk.

"Line stealer!" He giggled, grabbing the pillow and playfully hitting Raphael with it. The sheets shifted as Simon threw himself down onto the bed staring at the ceiling. Raphael stayed sitting till he felt a finger poke at his side.

" _ You _ ." He turned around now looking at Simon where he spread himself out like a starfish.

" _ Me _ ?" He said more coyly. Dallying how much he could tease and mess with Simon.

"Yes,  _ you _ ." Simon chuckled, tugging on the hem of Raphael's shirt, pulling him to lay down. Raphael shifted letting Simon pull him, forgetting about the lamplight as soon as Simon was mere centimeters away from him once again.

"Then... _ Me _ ?" This was more of bantering; they were using it as a game to play with one another. Simon tugged on his lip with his teeth.

"You know the story of Achilles. He led the Myrmidons into battle and killed Hector after his own armour led to Patroclus' death. Then they did the little horsey thing-."

" _ Horsey _ thing?" Raphael asked, amused by Simon's choice of words.

"Yeah, they climbed into the wooden horse and made it into the city of Troy-." 

Raphael snickered 

" _ What _ ?" Simon whined with a smile tugging at his lips. 

"No, no you're fine...continue." He motioned with his hand, trying to hide back laughter.

" _ Anyways _ , Achilles' rage for Patroclus' death; his later written lover, makes him kill Hector… in the end, he meets his fatal flaw-"

"His Hamartia?" Raphael inquired, possibly seeing where Simon was going with his rambling statement.

" _ Exactly, _ that even though he was extraordinarily strong, loyal, courageous, and immortal because he was dipped in the water of the River Styx. The back of his left heel where his mother held him as he was dipped remained unimmersed and weak… he has a weakness, a soft spot, that leads to his ultimate death in the end where he is killed by Paris." Simon finished on the last word with a smile on his face and glowing with self-satisfaction.

"So… a dead gay greek warrior reminds you of me?" He cocked his eyebrow, resting his head on the palm of his hand.

"Well, when you put it like  _ that _ It doesn't cool anymore!" Simon pouted propping himself up on his elbow. He took an unneeded deep breath letting his shoulder slump down in his now unmasked glory.

"Everyone has a Hamartia, and yours is how much you care for others… you would sacrifice yourself in any situation before anyone you care about gets remotely hurt. Magnus, Lily, Elliot, the clan... _ Me _ ." Simon flickered his gaze between Raphael's eyes and the bedsheet he was fidgeting with in between his fingers.

"One thing I always think about you," Simon continued, " _ is _ how much you care… people see you as this intimidating- not saying you  _ aren't  _ intimidating because even now being  _ literally _ in bed with you, I'm still mildly intimidated by you and wow okay that sounded wrong but-"

"Simon…" He said, exasperation hidden behind his voice.

"Right, sorry! But-." Simon stopped, taking another needless intake of air more to calm his nerves than that of a habit.

"You're not selfish or inconsiderate as most people see you. There is just a wall built around you that has small cracks here and there that allows a small group of certain people to slip their way in. And those people that do get in you protect them with your life. And almost in return, we see all these colorful emotions that are hidden behind this wall like they were trapped in Pandora's box…." 

"I don't think anyone- me included, could guess what is truly hidden behind that wall or even if there is another wall beyond what we already wormed our way into hiding even more raw behind closed curtains emotions." Simon exhaled after finishing his thought.

"So...me." That was him. What Simon thought of him. Simon pursed his lips and slowly nodded his head.

"Yeah...you." In other words 'that is what I think about you'. Raphael turned over, switching the lamp on his side off before collapsing back onto the bed facing the ceiling.

"...are you...gonna say anything?" Simon repeated the same actions only laying facing Raphael instead of the ceiling. He scooted over, laying his head on Raphael's shoulder, watching his expression. 

_ 'I love you _ '

"Some things are just better left unsaid sometimes fledgling." Simon smiled making the same expression pull on to Raphael's face.

He wanted to scream those three measly words to the world because he  _ did _ love the stupid beautiful fledgling currently in his bed, cuddling with him.

"Simon." He forced himself to talk.

"Hm?" Simon's eyes darted open, wide-eyed, and eyebrows raised. He froze, he opened his mouth to talk yet nothing came out. He shook his head, grimacing at himself. He couldn't do it. Not yet. 

"Sorry nevermind." He pulled Simon closer to him only for Simon to pull back slightly keeping eye contact with him.

_ 'Always next time' _

"You sure?" He nodded his head. Simon relaxed in his hold letting his head lay back against his chest.

"Yeah…" 

' _ Some things are better left unsaid' _

"I'm sure."

* * *

_“Our love was born  
outside the walls,  
in the wind,  
in the night,  
in the earth,  
and that’s why the clay and the flower,  
the mud and the roots  
know your name.”_

– Pablo Neruda

**Author's Note:**

> Also because Raphael is Aro/Ace the way I'm writing it (and I did TONS of research as well as my personal view) he is in a relationship with Simon but it's not romantic or sexual for him. But for Simon, he does feel romantically and sexually attracted to Raphael. So Raphael accommodates in their relationship of things like Kissing, holding hands, sex, etc(I have also written him as Sex-indifferent so there is a middle ground of him not repulsed about it but also not 100% okay with it either). And of course, has his boundaries. And Simon accommodates on his half as well and respects Raphael's boundaries. So it is tagged as a QPR but they are in a relationship it's just different for both of them. So not every action is romantic but more platonic on Raphael's end...but you can read it any way you want as well. 😊
> 
> Also, I tagged Simon as unspecified sexual orientation because Cannonly he is Heterosexual and with Izzy. And I know a lot of people headcannon him as Pansexual (which I do too as well) but I almost feel uncomfortable changing a Characters sexuality (and this has always been my dilemma when writing fanfiction). Most probably due to it almost feels disrespectful to me in a way that the LGBTQIAP+ community wants people to respect certain terms that are used. Then as well as that I think heterosexual/hetero-romantic/cisgender people deserve just as much respect... But once again you can read this anyway you like😊
> 
> (Also any of my fellow Comic book and novel readers "Lonely Receiver" is good comic series and reminds me of the book "Her" it has the same concept but with a gay female couple. Then "Maurice" is a story about a gay male couple that fall in love and go through difficulties and it's amazing as well)
> 
> Request, suggestions, and prompt ideas are open and you can send them all 
> 
> Here- http://xviruserrorx.tumblr.com
> 
> Thank you all for reading, leave kudos if you so desire 
> 
> ~~~VirusError🌸


End file.
